On Sleep

When I watch stuff to fall asleep: he can’t sleep.

When I don’t watch stuff to fall asleep: should I shower tonight or tomorrow? Tomorrow. It’s too late now. You won’t wake up in time. Do you even know what you’re working on this week? You haven’t written a good joke in months. You should submit to more festivals. Email the club. Check amazon. Oh remember to get that thing. Why does my stomach hurt? I need to try keto… or something. Man, if I had to name 10 songs right now I couldn’t. Once I get in shape I can act again. Or wrestle. I wonder if there’s a class in air conditioning. I should support more people. Oh! I’ll call – no – too late. How do things end? Like at a higher level? They just don’t end, right?

I’m Meeting Him Today

I’m writing this the night before. I have the dress I want to wear cleaned and wrinkle free. I bought boots that aren’t Docs. I have things set out for tomorrow. The only thing I’m missing is my binder with the different tabs for each class, and my Jansport.

I feel Christmas Eve mixed with “wait til your father hears about this.” My boyfriend and dog are asleep on either side of me and I just keep playing games on my phone. It’s hard to make words when you can’t even identify what you’re feeling.

Thoughts:

  • What if he doesn’t like me?
  • What if he likes me a lot?
  • What if I get drunk?
  • What if he gets drunk?
  • What if I cry?
  • What if he cries?
  • What if neither of us cries?
  • “What if” by Creed (made famous by the Scream 3 soundtrack, sheeple)
  • What if his wife is upset by my existence?
  • What if a friend comes through where we’re meeting?
  • Do I have a show I said I’d do tomorrow that I’m forgetting about?
  • What if he still hasn’t told his kids we’re talking?
  • What if he and my boyfriend become best friends?
  • What if he wants to play catch?
  • What if he wants me to go hiking with him?
  • What if he wants to meet up again?
  • What if he doesn’t want to meet up again?
  • What if he brings up Roseanne?
  • What if he defends her?
  • What if he has seen my stand up?
  • What if he asks me to “say something funny”?
  • What if he asks about bio-mom?
  • What if he asks about my family?
  • What if I overshare
  • I will
  • What if I get wild?
  • What if I lose myself?
  • What if I lose my wallet?
  • What if I tuck my dress into my *fucking* underwear.
  • What if I audibly say “what the fuck, man…”
  • What if politics come up?
  • What if my parents taking corporeal punishment too far comes up?
  • What if I die at 6:45pm Friday?
  • What if he gets in a wreck?

Anyway – some of these may be less “measured” than others…

Don’t talk to me til I’ve had my morning, afternoon, evening, and night xanax tomorrow (Friday)