I’m writing this the night before. I have the dress I want to wear cleaned and wrinkle free. I bought boots that aren’t Docs. I have things set out for tomorrow. The only thing I’m missing is my binder with the different tabs for each class, and my Jansport.
I feel Christmas Eve mixed with “wait til your father hears about this.” My boyfriend and dog are asleep on either side of me and I just keep playing games on my phone. It’s hard to make words when you can’t even identify what you’re feeling.
Thoughts:
- What if he doesn’t like me?
- What if he likes me a lot?
- What if I get drunk?
- What if he gets drunk?
- What if I cry?
- What if he cries?
- What if neither of us cries?
- “What if” by Creed (made famous by the Scream 3 soundtrack, sheeple)
- What if his wife is upset by my existence?
- What if a friend comes through where we’re meeting?
- Do I have a show I said I’d do tomorrow that I’m forgetting about?
- What if he still hasn’t told his kids we’re talking?
- What if he and my boyfriend become best friends?
- What if he wants to play catch?
- What if he wants me to go hiking with him?
- What if he wants to meet up again?
- What if he doesn’t want to meet up again?
- What if he brings up Roseanne?
- What if he defends her?
- What if he has seen my stand up?
- What if he asks me to “say something funny”?
- What if he asks about bio-mom?
- What if he asks about my family?
What if I overshare- I will
- What if I get wild?
- What if I lose myself?
- What if I lose my wallet?
- What if I tuck my dress into my *fucking* underwear.
- What if I audibly say “what the fuck, man…”
- What if politics come up?
- What if my parents taking corporeal punishment too far comes up?
- What if I die at 6:45pm Friday?
- What if he gets in a wreck?
Anyway – some of these may be less “measured” than others…
Don’t talk to me til I’ve had my morning, afternoon, evening, and night xanax tomorrow (Friday)
