I’m Meeting Him Today

I’m writing this the night before. I have the dress I want to wear cleaned and wrinkle free. I bought boots that aren’t Docs. I have things set out for tomorrow. The only thing I’m missing is my binder with the different tabs for each class, and my Jansport.

I feel Christmas Eve mixed with “wait til your father hears about this.” My boyfriend and dog are asleep on either side of me and I just keep playing games on my phone. It’s hard to make words when you can’t even identify what you’re feeling.

Thoughts:

  • What if he doesn’t like me?
  • What if he likes me a lot?
  • What if I get drunk?
  • What if he gets drunk?
  • What if I cry?
  • What if he cries?
  • What if neither of us cries?
  • “What if” by Creed (made famous by the Scream 3 soundtrack, sheeple)
  • What if his wife is upset by my existence?
  • What if a friend comes through where we’re meeting?
  • Do I have a show I said I’d do tomorrow that I’m forgetting about?
  • What if he still hasn’t told his kids we’re talking?
  • What if he and my boyfriend become best friends?
  • What if he wants to play catch?
  • What if he wants me to go hiking with him?
  • What if he wants to meet up again?
  • What if he doesn’t want to meet up again?
  • What if he brings up Roseanne?
  • What if he defends her?
  • What if he has seen my stand up?
  • What if he asks me to “say something funny”?
  • What if he asks about bio-mom?
  • What if he asks about my family?
  • What if I overshare
  • I will
  • What if I get wild?
  • What if I lose myself?
  • What if I lose my wallet?
  • What if I tuck my dress into my *fucking* underwear.
  • What if I audibly say “what the fuck, man…”
  • What if politics come up?
  • What if my parents taking corporeal punishment too far comes up?
  • What if I die at 6:45pm Friday?
  • What if he gets in a wreck?

Anyway – some of these may be less “measured” than others…

Don’t talk to me til I’ve had my morning, afternoon, evening, and night xanax tomorrow (Friday)

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