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Happy Summer! If you take a picture of me sitting upright in a bathing suit, your genitals will shrivel up and crust off. 9 hours ago
RT @weirdbrunch: 🍳 @WeirdBrunch Ep 34: Mix-Up at the Mace Factory bit.ly/2W5Lixp BTYB vegan leather @CarinaTheMagyar the nurse w… 10 hours ago
Dog is doing worse. At a wedding with vodka. Will be kicked out. 1 day ago
Dog isn’t doing well. We both took Xanax and are drinking vodka. One of us will be dead by morning (not me, I’m invincible) 2 days ago
sure, Florida, but what was God telling me when I had a miscarriage? https://t.co/XPE2yTnQkp 2 days ago
"can you tell me everything you're working on every day? i'm not being micro-manage-y" - my very secure boss. 3 days ago
Me if I were a woman https://t.co/THgwr0n42j 4 days ago
moby sucks https://t.co/L7CIcPMRc4 4 days ago
enjoy your concrete enemas, people who brag about not watching game of thrones and call any sport "sportsball" 5 days ago
"i'm not a huge social media person" - the most interesting man living in his own fart cloud. 5 days ago